Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

The Bible According To A Child

July 19, 2009

If you need a laugh today, then this should do it.

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching? Through the eyes of a child:

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.  But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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DVD – Alvin and the Chipmunks

May 9, 2009

This week’s DVD is  “Alvin and the Chipmunks”.  Fun viewing for the whole family.  Follow the scintillating adventures of the three furry friends (who by the way are really brothers) – Alvin,  Simon and Theodore as they unexpectedly get transported from their place in the forest to the home of the ailing songwriter Dave.  Dave faced by another song rejection from the city’s record company executive,  is suddenly catapulted to success by the talented singing and dancing trio.  You too will become a fan while you follow the adventures of their musical career as they try to escape  from the clutches of the selfish record company executive back into the arms of their newly adopted dad “Dave”. 

You can even watch the special features and learn the special hip hop Chipmunk dance moves.  What more could you ask for?

Fun Stuff 5

April 14, 2009

bevdress

Early charismatic training

Laughing Baby 2

April 6, 2009

See baby Ethan and his new fascination with paper.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXXm696UbKY&feature=related

Fun Stuff 4

April 6, 2009

image001

In the end we will all have to stand before God to give an account of our lives.

Laughing Baby

April 2, 2009

Click on the following link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk&feature=related

Fun Stuff2

March 28, 2009

 

baby-yellow-ring-jpeg1

I’m trying to see things from God’s perspective. 
It’s certainly very different indeed!

baby-headphones2
Grooving to the cool vibes of  Gospel Music

Movie: Runaway Holiday

March 17, 2009

I saw a really funny movie the other night called “Runaway Holliday” starring Robin Williams.  It’s a selection that I’ve never really heard of before in this actor’s repertoire .  However I found it quite hilarious in it’s own “silly” sort of way.  It was just what I needed after having a rather stressful week. 

It’s about a family who was originally going to fly to Hawaii for their annual vacation. Unfortunately, during the week before their departure,  the father is pressured by his pushy boss, to write a major presentation during his supposed “break”, to facilitate a big company merger . The boss insists on constant communication during the father’s vacation.  As a result the father (Williams) is not able to go to Hawaii, to the huge disappointment of his wife and two children. 

The father instead arranges for the whole family to spend their time away together in a huge RV, (is like a huge driveable caravan).  Since the father’s job is “on the line” and dependent on whether he can show his “job commitment” during his holiday,  he refrains to tell the rest of the family of his predicament, not wanting to alarm them of his shaky employment situation. 

Hence what follows is a hilarious series of events which make up a highly unusual and unexpected vacation.  Robyn Williams is in prime form pulling off all the gags in his own comedic style as he attempts to maintain the smooth running and operation of the vehicle, while trying to secretly finish his work presentation in stolen moments during the day and night.

As a clue, without giving too much away, the title of the movie refers to the fact that on numerous occasions, the huge “bus -like” RV,  is constantly running down a hill, into a river etc always at the most unexpected moments when the father is totally unawares. 

It’s a great family movie that can be seen by the little ones as well. It also contains some wholesome principals about family life.  I believe you’ll find it highly entertaining . I was still chuckling to myself over all the funny bits the next day while driving to a singing gig and feeling a bit weary.  This was enough to re-energise me again.

Overall,  I found the movie, a great distresser.  Why not try it for yourself?

Fun Stuff

March 8, 2009

bev-birthday1Wow. God really is Amazing !

holiday-baby1
I’m taking some time out to rest in the Lord and spend some quality time with Him. Join me anyone?

Church Bloopers

January 12, 2009

Church Bulletins  
They’re Back!  Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’  The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.   Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.   The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’